Braveheart

I'm SO good at it. Procrastinating, that is. Actually, I think I'd go as far as to say I'm a bit of an expert. That's why I only got round to weighing in a few days ago - for the first time since mid Dec.

'You've put on 4lb Tubster!' mocked Chardonnay. (What? Your scales don't have a name?)

Me: 'Hey, that's not bad at all, considering. That means I'm 14.10lb again. Waistband's a bit snugger than it was in December, but I expect that. Yup, I can live with that.'

Inner Bitch: 'You lazy trollope. You let yourself go. You think you can lose weight slowly and not count calories, go on holiday, eat jam donuts and mock the dieting fraternity. Who do you think you are?'

Me: 'I think I'm me, and bloomin lucky to be me, come to think of it. Didn't you catch the wave of loony January magazines promising miracle celeb-promoted regimes? Every year it's the same old rubbish. No wonder there's an obesity epidemic. Diets make you fat - especially the quick fix ones.'

Inner Bitch: 'Suit yourself, loser. But I'll be back. You need me.'

And in a funny way, I do. IBs never going to quit. I expect she'll pop up and grace me with her doom, gloom and cynicism, not to mention appalling dress sense, till the day I die.

But I'm getting more cunning in my old age. I may procrastinate, lapse, and fall off the wagon of health regularly, but I will never, ever again succumb to a diet.

You heard me IB, you can hide the donuts if you like, but you'll never take my FREEDOM!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

A bum rush?

HA! I KNEW THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON TO FEAR LYCRA!

Also, listen out for some classic examples of British understatement from the commentator. A masterclass!

Under Investigation for a Crime in Phoenix @ Yahoo! Video

Gross oder klein? You decide!

Happy New Year flabfighting fans. It’s bloomin hard to get back to work after such a nice long break. What's more, something tells me my trusty scales are going to frown at my more than casual disregard for healthy living over the festive period.

Actually, Xmas wasn’t that bad, give or take half a sheep and a crate of Merlot. It’s last week in Austria that’s more worrying. It’s been a bit like starring in one long terrifying TV campaign by the British Heart Foundation…

Hot chocolate madam? With cream?

But of course my good man! (Nice lederhosen by the way. My that's a large...wallet)

Schnitzel? With potatoes or chips?

What sort of silly question is that?

Krapfen? (that’s jam donuts to you and me)

Ja, ja – give me two. I need to keep my energy up.

Beer. Large or small?

Do I look like I do anything small?

On the up side, skiing is supposed to be good exercise so, in the spirit of positive thinking, before I visit the scales this week, I’ve decided to give myself a big pat on the back and recognise a few of my newly acquired and expertly honed holiday skills:

• doing the YMCA in my ski boots
• singing heartily about polar bears in German (with actions)
• skiing down the mountain in the dark sozzled whilst still singing (or was that slurring?) about polar bears in German – oh yes, and still doing the actions!
• not falling down.

Yes sirree, I may be tubby but my CV has never looked so impressive.