Braveheart

I'm SO good at it. Procrastinating, that is. Actually, I think I'd go as far as to say I'm a bit of an expert. That's why I only got round to weighing in a few days ago - for the first time since mid Dec.

'You've put on 4lb Tubster!' mocked Chardonnay. (What? Your scales don't have a name?)

Me: 'Hey, that's not bad at all, considering. That means I'm 14.10lb again. Waistband's a bit snugger than it was in December, but I expect that. Yup, I can live with that.'

Inner Bitch: 'You lazy trollope. You let yourself go. You think you can lose weight slowly and not count calories, go on holiday, eat jam donuts and mock the dieting fraternity. Who do you think you are?'

Me: 'I think I'm me, and bloomin lucky to be me, come to think of it. Didn't you catch the wave of loony January magazines promising miracle celeb-promoted regimes? Every year it's the same old rubbish. No wonder there's an obesity epidemic. Diets make you fat - especially the quick fix ones.'

Inner Bitch: 'Suit yourself, loser. But I'll be back. You need me.'

And in a funny way, I do. IBs never going to quit. I expect she'll pop up and grace me with her doom, gloom and cynicism, not to mention appalling dress sense, till the day I die.

But I'm getting more cunning in my old age. I may procrastinate, lapse, and fall off the wagon of health regularly, but I will never, ever again succumb to a diet.

You heard me IB, you can hide the donuts if you like, but you'll never take my FREEDOM!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

A bum rush?

HA! I KNEW THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON TO FEAR LYCRA!

Also, listen out for some classic examples of British understatement from the commentator. A masterclass!

Under Investigation for a Crime in Phoenix @ Yahoo! Video

Gross oder klein? You decide!

Happy New Year flabfighting fans. It’s bloomin hard to get back to work after such a nice long break. What's more, something tells me my trusty scales are going to frown at my more than casual disregard for healthy living over the festive period.

Actually, Xmas wasn’t that bad, give or take half a sheep and a crate of Merlot. It’s last week in Austria that’s more worrying. It’s been a bit like starring in one long terrifying TV campaign by the British Heart Foundation…

Hot chocolate madam? With cream?

But of course my good man! (Nice lederhosen by the way. My that's a large...wallet)

Schnitzel? With potatoes or chips?

What sort of silly question is that?

Krapfen? (that’s jam donuts to you and me)

Ja, ja – give me two. I need to keep my energy up.

Beer. Large or small?

Do I look like I do anything small?

On the up side, skiing is supposed to be good exercise so, in the spirit of positive thinking, before I visit the scales this week, I’ve decided to give myself a big pat on the back and recognise a few of my newly acquired and expertly honed holiday skills:

• doing the YMCA in my ski boots
• singing heartily about polar bears in German (with actions)
• skiing down the mountain in the dark sozzled whilst still singing (or was that slurring?) about polar bears in German – oh yes, and still doing the actions!
• not falling down.

Yes sirree, I may be tubby but my CV has never looked so impressive.

Slimma's Xmas Hamper recommendations

I have become quite the little mirror-glancer recently. Me, yes, the one whose sexiest black number this time last year looked more like a burka than a frock, has turned the corner and is rather amazed at the transformation that's occurred. 1.5 stones since July and not a whiff of the D word. REALLY! Not a squidely, diddly iota of calorie counting has rained on my parade, and many, many a hearty meal has been troughed. I haven't given up lattes, muffins, chocolate (though it has been cut down and is at least beginning to resemble a normal human being's annual consumption) or, in fact, anything.

Food is just no longer my Linus blanky. Yes, dear readers, I can now face the mirror, stick out my marracas with pride, and face the day sans burka.

So forgive me sisters if I sound a bit smug and preachy here for a moment, but I'm now such a card carrying member of the anti-diet movement that I can't help myself. Cue Xmas rant...

"If you REALLY want to lose weight, gals, PLEASE sort your heads out first. Dieting is bad for your mojo. I mean, come on. It is not normal to talk about points, calories, fat ounces, being 'good' or being 'bad'. This is just eating. It's part of life. Let's prove the intelligence of our sex once and for all and put a stop to all this garbage. I promise, if you do that and use your head, you WILL lose the lard, slowly and surely and forever.

There, now that I've got that off my still sizeable chest, I'm going to give another big Christmas plug to 2 of my most useful little helpers.

The Weight Less Mind - book and cds by my favourite hypnotherapist, Georgia Foster. Listen to these relaxing recordings, read the book and I guarantee you'll start thinking about your relationship with food in a whole new way. Persevere. You'll never dream of dieting again once you've read Georgia's book. It'll just seem, well, SILLY!

and

The Ultimate Unwind - another blissful hypnotherapy mp3, this time from the inspiring Space to Be brand. But guess what, Georgia's also working her magic here! Great for sleepless nights or when you just need 20 mins me-time. And this one's not aimed at slimmers. It's a fab Xmas pressie idea for the stress-head in your house!

Right, must dash, there's a giant coronation sub with my name on it...mmm, lunch!

Xx

"Christmas is coming...

...and I'm not getting fat-ter!" (I couldn't give a fois-gras about the goose)

Anyhoo, my mantra is now 'make it to mid Jan no more than 2lb heavier'.

Have you noticed that come December every year, women's mags barrage us with a shed load of confusing messages? On the one hand you'll get an article aimed at the weight conscious telling us how easy it is to stay slim if we only 'stay away from the crisps and dips', limit ourselves to one spritzer at the office party and substitute low fat semolina for Xmas pud, whilst a few pages further on they'll wheel out Delia (do they only let her out at Xmas?) and encourage us to give our suet-splashed bird a damned good full-fat stuffing.

Stuff semolina, I'm with Delia!

So, dear readers, all bets are off till I get back from skiing in Austria mid Jan (for there lies schnitzel, goulash soup and weissbier with my name on it). Don't get me wrong, I still want to get to a size 14, but I have had an epiphany of sorts. Speed is not the issue. It took me a decade to gain this extra 3 stone of lard. If it comes off in a year I should be bloomin' delighted!

Sure enough, this revellation alone did seem to help me lose a pound this week. And I've even survived my self imposed Curly Wurly cold turkey.

Cause for celebration indeed.

PS. ANd did I mention I bought a frock in a size 16? Oh I did...well, it is something worth crowing about!

ANd while I like beef too, I'm not quite as obsessed as these cool cats. Enjoy! And don't forget to check out www.rathergood.com where this clip originated.