Fat lass returns with amnesia

Aliens?

Cream cakes?

SAD?

A wild party that required considerable recuperation time?

Yes, yes, yes! I have succumbed to all of the above over the past 3 weeks BIG TIME. Apart from the aliens, that is. (Unless you can count folk dressed as boats, Egyptian obelisks or cinemas as aliens? Jury's out on that one.)

Anyway, it's about time I took my little blog a bit more seriously again. And it's also high time I stepped away from the Waitrose New York cheesecake (cold turkey is to be expected), beer, G&T and dresssing-up box and tip-toe meekly back onto the scales. But I think that can wait till tomorrow.

You'll know when I've done it. You'll be able to hear the screams in Antarctica.

All I will say is this. I've enjoyed my wild reprieve so thanks for your patience! I'm slowly clambering back onto the Slimma Express now.

Hey, where did that tyre come from?

Scotland from your armchair

It's not often that my job reminds me how unfit I am, but this week I'm guest proofreading a magazine about healthy people doing energetic outdoorsy stuff and, I have to say, it's making me feel like a real towny, latte-swilling slug.

There are people out there who actually carry mountain bikes up hills for kicks. There are Munro-baggers who doggedly brave weather suitable only for Arctic geese, and there are intrepid volunteers who risk getting their ears blasted by Navy sonar in the name of dolphin conservation.

Talk about feeling inadequate. I really must get out more.

But I'll need to start gently. I haven't had an adventure for a while (no, let's not count the man in the train loo episode!) Fortunately, this magazine is not just for the superfit or extreme weather buff. There really is something for everyone - yes, even the lazy likes of me!

So what caught my fancy?

Stargazing! I was completely hooked by an article about how to read the winter sky and I'm now quite fired up about taking a trip to the Observatory. Just think, soon I might even be able to Star-Nav my way to Sainsbury's - how exciting is that?!

Yeah, I know, I don't think it'll burn too many calories either! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Baby steps.

What are you waiting for? Get into Scotland Outdoors - I promise, you won't need your thermals to enjoy a good read! Find out where to grab a copy here.

My name is Slimma and I am an addict

You should never listen to me. I am but a fragile slimming experiment.

You see I had this cunning strategy for continuing to eat chocolate while losing weight. I thought that by buying kiddy-sized Curly Wurlys instead of family-sized bars of Dairy Milk - the logic being that I am not addicted to Curly Wurlys and could 'take them or leave them' - was pretty darn smart. It worked for a while too.

But that was then.

Now I have something to confess:

My name is Slimma and I am a Curly Wurly addict.

Fortunately Inner Goddess has staged an intervention and, as I write, two deliciously caramely unopened CWs lie abandoned at the bottom of the bin. IG even took the precaution of pouring mushed up cereal over them 'just in case' I hit rock bottom later on and go scavenging. She said it had something to do with 'protecting my dignity'.

For the record, handing over my remaining stash was not easy. Charlton Heston would have been impressed...

Me: You'll have to prize these Curly Wurlys 'OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS!'

IG: If you insist!

Man, she's got a mean half Nelson.

And where's Inner Bitch when you need her?

Be a pet, remember, remember!

I wonder why more vets don't use Guy Fawkes in their advertising. They ought to. Because 5th Nov doesn't just cause a seasonal spike in firework sales, I hear it also seriously boosts sales of pet sedatives.

So if the dogs in your local park seem a bit lazy tomorrow, remember, the poor wee buggers are probably still trippin'.

Ball, what ball, man?


Seriously though, the RSPC has issued a wee reminder for pet owners and I'm sure has a few better suggestions.

Yoga pose of the day

Quick, check out Yoga Pose of the Day! (Corpse pose)

I'm curious about the strategically placed groin cloth thingame.

And since when did levitation become a basic yoga pose?

What? You do it all the time?

Typical. I'm always the last to know.

(Get a little bendier every day with 'Yoga Pose of the Day' - see widget below blog posts - it's a great way to fit a little extra stretching into your day. However, be advised, people do look at you funny if you do it at the bus stop.)

Fame! I'm gonna live...to regret this!

If I told you I was at a BBQ on a November Saturday night in Scotland, you'd think I was fibbing, right?

Well thanks to the bonkers weather we're getting these days, we were actually living that dream. It was a great chance to meet more of the neighbours, sink a few mulled wines and, so I'm told, 'freak out' with Mr Slimma to some good tunes.

We're a bit out of practice, but fortunately my neighbour 'two down' is quite keen on throwing a few shapes and before long we were all convinced we could 'J-set' better than Beyonce.

It was all going fabulously...until I woke up the next morning in a cold sweat with a very troublesome thought.

Did I really agree to go with my twinkle-toed neighbour to a 'real' dance class on Tuesday night? Oh boy, I think I did.

What was I thinking?!

Apart from my pathalogical fear of lycra, the words 'at the end of the class we do balletic jumps in pairs' keep returning to haunt me.

So I've now got a 'Kids from Fame' scenario spinning round in my head - the only difference being the Kids from Fame weren't totally off their tits on mulled wine when they were dancing.

Suddenly I fully grasp what their teacher meant when she said...

'Right here's where you start paying!'