It's written in the stars!

I'm a sucker for astrology. Or ass-trology as someone I once knew referred to it. And you know, I never really realised what a deep and meaningful insight that was until today.

Always on the lookout for sensible ways to lose lard, I decided to consult the 'Oracle'. That's TheTimes' in-house astrologist Shelley von Strunckel, in case you've been orbiting blindfolded on an asteroid in the Delta quadrant for the past decade or so. After all, she was spot on about those w**ker bankers.

And Pluto be damned, turns out she really DOES know everything:

"Although the Virgo New Moon doesn't actually take place for two weeks, you've nothing to lose by meditating on certain persistent issues."

Persistent issue eh? Well, that can only mean my lardy posterior. It's pretty damn persistent. Meditate, you say, Shell? Hmm, I reckon I could do that.

Yes, indeed...

For two weeks I shall 'meditate' my ass off!