Have I already mentioned the concept of wagon trapezing? It’s when you don’t fall off the wagon (in my case, the weight loss express) but you get a deviant thrill from leaning just far enough over the edge to put yourself in jeopardy.
For me, wagon trapezing involves a fairly generous weekly quota of dietary derring-do(latte, muffin, wine, meals out, pudding), but this weekend I got a little more of a thrill than I bargained for…
Inner Bitch and one of her best mates, Madame P, a monthly saboteur who always arrives bearing cramps, moodiness and shed loads of chocolate - and who is probably responsible for far more murders and accidents than ever hit the headlines - wagon-napped me and held me at Dairy-Milk-point for at least 3 hours.
Inner Bitch: Ha ha! Thought you'd got rid of us, did you, Inner Goddess? Well we’re in charge now. Don’t you know at this time of the month she NEEDS a generous chocolate injection? Look at her, torturing herself eating all that fruit she loathes. She’s a natural heifer. We’ll soon feed her up and get her back to her old troughing ways!
Inner Goddess: Slimma, you’ve got to fight those two evil wenches, drop the chocolate and get back on this wagon right now, do you hear me? You haven’t even got a clue how many of those things you’ve eaten!”
Me: I, I, I’m not sure I can, IG. This Dairy Milk is SOOOOO darn good! Must have MOORRREEEE!
IB: It’s too late. She’s ours now! (evil laugh)
Inner Goddess: “Don’t listen to them, I beg you. If it’s potassium you need, I’ll give you a banana, two even, but step away from the multipack. I swear, that trapeze is gonna go, you’re going to blow the whole mission, and you’re not going to be able to look your readers in the eye when you step on the scales next week. Is that what you want?
IB: That silly little blog? Forget it! Have another bar of…
Me: N,N,N, No, wait, she’s right…my blog! I forgot.
IG: Yes, that’s it. Remember now? You promised yourself and you did it in public. And you’ve been doing so well! Don’t let that squinty-faced cow and a moody monthly interloper with bad skin get the better of you. Rally, girl, rally!
Me: Quick, take my hand and help me back on the wagon IG.
And get me some ibuprofen NOW! I’m AM going to beat those bitches!
Meanwhile, how's about a little singalong...
