Looking about while out shopping the other day it struck me that when it comes to choosing clothes, lardy women like myself (shall we just shorten that to lardettes?) do appear to fall into two distinct tribes.
1. The 'Oh god, I'd die if I thought people were staring and laughing at my flabby bits so there's no way I'm wearing anything clingier than a tent' tribe.
OR
2. The 'I'll choose uber-tight clothes that enhance my spare tyres and reveal my muffin top with pride and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks coz girlfriend I FEEL GOOOOD! ' tribe.
For the last decade I've generally sought comfort at baggy camp. Even the slightest notion that I might be inflicting my flab on the public would instantly drain the colour from my cheeks.
Now though I feel like I'm flailing around somewhere in the middle. I know I need the help of the fashion police but I've no idea who to ask.
You see, I've kind of lost it with Trinny and Susannah, Nicky HJ and Gok.
Since they first appeared on our tellys a few years ago they have made it abundantly clear that tent-life is no longer acceptable. So I really have been doing my best to try and adapt…
Gok: Baggy isn't flattering. It makes you look bigger girlfriend! OK, I'll try and get with the programme…
T&S: Got huge boobs? Wear deep V necklines. Hey, that does look better! Oi, hands off Susannah!
Nicky: Wide leg trousers will balance out your giant hips. Wow, AMAZING, that works too. Loving your specs by the way!
But then we got...
T&S: Your body is either an apple or a pear or a nectarine or a cucumber or a brick? WHHHAAAAATTTTT? You're having a laugh!
Then the magazines weren't being much help either. Take those photo features that start…
What swimsuit to buy IF YOU HAVE…
a) big boobs
b) a tubby tummy
c) thunder thighs
d) swimmer's shoulders
But which, funnily enough, never remembered to add a suit for those of us who have ticked…
e) all of the above!
So what now? What is the answer for the likes of me and my kind? Should we form our own fashion tribe and, if so, what should we wear?
Gok: That's easy, girlfriend. Just take your scissors, cut away one panel from that family-sized tent of yours and add a nice chunky belt! Sorted!
